Memoirs of the Hansens

Oh my goodness! I've been delaying writing the commentary on this post. I uploaded the pictures a few days ago, but it's going to be so, so hard to write about it. Over the Christmas and New Years holidays ALL of my siblings that live out of town came to see my Dad. Some of it had been planned for a long time, but most of them it was a last minute impulse decision. I am so glad that Heavenly Father is in charge and that everything works out the way that it is supposed to. My Dad passed away on January 19. Everything worked out just the way it should have. So many blessings, so many coincidences that weren't coincidences.
All of these photos are in order, so here's some shots from when Josh and Todd were in town the beginning of January.

Three kids in a tub!

I really love this dog. He is so good, so sweet, and just what I need.

Visiting with Angela's family when they came to visit! Little did they know they'd need to make the same trip again 2 weeks later.

For my birthday we went to Midway and stayed at the Homestead. We visited the Ice Castles and then soaked in the Crater the next morning. It was the perfect getaway!

Cute Lila!

Still building stuff from Christmas!

Porter is in Primary!! I have loved serving in the presidency the last three years. I'm so glad that I still get to be in here with Porter!

Holly Fowler and Porter

I can't imagine how heartbreaking this day must have been for Angela's family. They knew that the next time Brady and the kids would come out would be for a funeral.

I LOVE the new Come Follow Me program! I love the lessons, the time spent reading with the kids, and the personal insight I receive each week.

Lila learned how to sew and made several cute shapes like this.

Shaun went on a boys only trip to Las Vegas for his 40th birthday this year. There have been so many lessons and self improvement I didn't know I needed that I've achieved over the last few years since Shaun left the church. Once upon a time a trip like that would have been very difficult for me. I do not like Cody and I have blamed him for Shaun leaving the church and all the problems that came with it. However I've learned so much about "Acting, and not being acted upon" and I really was ok! I feel like Heavenly Father is in charge and I've learned little lessons that I couldn't have learned any other way.... and I didn't know how much I needed those lessons to grow into a better and improved human being.
Shaun requested a Caramel Frosting cake this year. It's his Mother's famous recipe and this girl obviously doesn't make it like Mama used to!! It's the most impossible recipe and the cake just fell apart moments before he came home. The dog also ate the number 0 candle, so Shaun got this masterpiece with the number 4 on it! What a lucky boy! He insisted that it TASTED like Mama used to make it, and I guess that's what's important!

Oh my goodness. These pictures are so precious to me. It was a Sunday. We were on our way home from Sunday dinner at Ric and Jo's. We were coming up to my Dad's Care Center and Shaun asked if we should stop in on my Dad. I remember he said " We don't know how many more opportunities we'll have to go see him." We stopped and visited. As we were leaving the kids noticed his Australian hat in his cupboard. I had the thought that I needed to take pictures before we left, so I snapped these as we were leaving. I remember taking one last look before we walked out (as I normally did) and wondering if this would be the last time I'd see him. It turned out that it wasn't, but it was the last time I ever saw him sitting in that chair.

The rest of that week was a little overwhelming. We had schedules, school, activities, and on top of everything Porter was very sick with a fever so I didn't want to go see my Dad that week and expose him to any germs we might have.

Here's a video of Lila at her guitar lesson that week

The on Friday morning, the 18th of January, I got a text from Alisa saying that my Dad was in a lot of pain. They suspected that it was another stomach blockage like he'd had in May the previous year. We all knew that if he had another complication, he wasn't going back into the hospital. He had already started a little bit of hospice care a couple weeks before because he was no longer able to use his hands. He couldn't brush his teeth, use his phone.....hardly anything.

I came straight to the Care Center and spent the whole day there. My Mom was already there when I got there and Alisa came shortly after. Sunny's Dad, Larry came and talked to us. He's a doctor and he gave us a realistic idea of what we could expect. He told us that we need to put together a 24 hr schedule so that somebody is always with him. He asked my Dad if he had had any "special" visitors yet. He could hardly talk, so much worse than when I had seen him on Sunday. It was so hard to understand what he was saying. He said the only "special" visitors he'd seen so far were me and Alisa. Chris and Miyuki, and Kim came a little after that. Chris and Larry gave my Dad a beautiful blessing.

Here's a picture I got when we were cleaning off his mask. The white stuff was to help with the sore he was getting around his mouth from wearing his mask all the time.

Around lunch time my Mom announced that she had some errands that she needed to run. I really think she was in denial about what was going on and running and errand gave her the illusion that everything would be ok.

While she was gone, Kim, Alisa, Chris and I had a really nice talk with my Dad. Dad saying he regrets rinsing out our hair under the running faucet.. him being worried about taxes.... asking if we'd be alright if he chose to take off the mask... telling us to live without regrets...me telling him I regret not making it to the top of Kings peak.... He said we could read the sealed portion....he said he'd been in a lot of pain the night before and his ribs hurt from panting...he said he was alright with all of us speaking at his funeral and that he wanted the quartet.....He also told Kim that she was a good parent and that her kids have their agency and she should just love them

I was first on the schedule to sleep over. I had already been at the Care Center all day, so I went home and packed my overnight bag and came back. While I was gone, Shaun went to the Care Center to see my Dad but he was asleep the whole time he was there. That's how it was that day. He slept unless you came over to talk to him. He was on morphine, anti nausea, and a few other things. He was so tired!

When I came back to the Care Center it was only my Mom and I there. My Mom had bullied the nurses into talking to hospice to see if they could do an enema in the hopes that it would help clear the blockage. I kept asking my Dad if he would be alright with that and he seemed hesitant, but said it was ok. It took them several hours to get everything ready for the enema. While we were waiting, Alisa, Randall and their kids came to visit. My Dad tried so hard to stay awake for them and to talk to them. They had cute conversations about Jonathan getting the priesthood and passing the sacrament, their plan to visit the temple to do baptisms.....

And this cute moment when he told David he loved him.

They finally did the enema around 8:15, which was successful. My Dad was completely wiped out after that. He went to sleep and we did not try to wake him up. I talked to the nurses about staying on top of his morphine and anti nausea during the night. My biggest fear was that he would vomit and the aspirate while I was sleeping. I sat by his bed for a couple of hours just watching him sleep. I was scared to go to bed. What if he needed me? His voice was so soft I wouldn't hear him if he called out. The nurses came in and changed his sheets with him still in the bed. He didn't even wake up for it. The nurse came every 4 hrs to give him more medicine. He'd wake up briefly for those then go back to sleep. I think I got about 2 hrs of sleep that night. I emailed my siblings every few hours with updates on how he was doing. Todd called me about 5am and wanted to know if he should get on an airplane. He really wanted to be there when my Dad passed away and the flight from Oman is about 24 hrs. I really didn't know what to tell him! I had no idea how my Dad would be when he woke up. Maybe the enema had worked it's magic and he'd be ok. Maybe he'd be worse. There was really no way to know. I felt so bad as I was talking on the phone with him. He had just been in town a week and a half before. The flight that he could take was in a few hours. If he didn't get on it he'd have to wait until the next day.

At about 6:00 the nurse came in and gave him some more medicine. My Dad woke up fully for the first time since the night before and I could tell that he did NOT feel well. I asked him if he was thinking about maybe wanting it to be over and taking his mask off. (we had discussed that the day before, the doctor said that it would be like taking a sedative and that he would just go peacefully ) He nodded, yes. A couple minutes he felt a little better because the morphine kicked in and he said no, he didn't really want to take off the mask. He could hardly talk at all. He felt feverish to me and I had the nurse come in to take his temperature and his vitals. I remember my Dad was really interested in what his blood pressure was. I can't remember what it was now, but it was pretty normal. He was REALLY thirsty. We were so worried that he would aspirate if he had anything to drink. The nurse said that I could swab his mouth with a sponge and he could get moisture that way. I swabbed his mouth again and again. He really liked that.
I called my Mom and told her we needed to get hospice here to figure out what treatment he needed today. She didn't want me to call them yet because she wanted to be there for it and she wanted to take her time getting ready. She also wasn't sure if she wanted to come visit today because she had things she needed to do. Looking back, the poor woman was in such denial about what was going on. Focusing on ordinary errands and things that needed to be done was her way of being able to cope with the situation. Unfortunately, it also made her miss a few last minute moments and opportunities with him. I was on and off the phone with her for awhile and it finally got to the point where the nurses and I agreed that either they or I needed to call hospice. I got on the phone with hospice and told them that I wanted them to come analyze how he was and how we should proceed today. They told me that they'd send someone in a little while. I called my Mom and told her she needed to hurry if she wanted to be there when hospice came. Then my Dad woke up again and I told him we were going to have hospice come. He was still so, so thirsty. The nurse finally said that he could have 2 very small sips of water. He was so excited to have that water. The nurse said I could do it again every 15 min. Todd kept calling and was still debating what to do. Time was running out for him to get on that flight. After I got off the phone I looked at my Dad. He looked different. His face was grayer. I walked over to him and held his hand and asked if he was feeling ok. He didn't wake up. I walked over to the nurses station and asked his nurse to please come look at him with me. She came in and agreed that something had changed. I asked he if I should be calling family members and telling them that they needed to come. She said yes. I was so numb. It was like a nightmare. I sent out a mass text as quickly as I could saying "you guys need to come now." They were all on alert because I'd told them the night before that I'd text if ANYTHING changed and they all came right away. I was sobbing when I called Todd. I'd only talked to him a few minutes before and I told him that it was happening and if he could to hop on that plane. Poor Todd! He had wanted to be there so badly! His breathing was changing. His bi pap was working, but every once in awhile his breath would pause for a moment that felt forever, then start again. I sat by my Dad's bed and held his hand and texted my siblings updates. They all wanted me to tell him that they loved him. Jon wanted me to whisper to him that he would see him soon and that Dad would know what that meant. (Jon had told him months before that he'd believe in God if Dad came and visited him after he died) Angela wanted me to tell him that she was sure that his Mom was there by him. I called Angela at one point because I couldn't be alone one second longer. After I hung up with her I held my Dad's hand and said a prayer with him. I said that it's ok to go if he needs to go, but if he could hold on just a little bit longer everyone was on their way and wanted to see him. Chris got there first. I was SO happy to see him. I was so afraid that my Dad would die before they all got there and then somehow in my mind it would be all my fault. I left the room so he could have a moment alone with Dad and cried in the hall. Alisa came next and Miyuki. When my Mom came in the room she tried to give me a hug and tell me something and I pushed her to my Dad and said "Go!" I don't think she realized how short his time was......Kim came, Shaun came. Poor Shaun. He had been taking care of the kids since the morning before. Porter was VERY sick with a fever still. Shaun came and Isaak and Lila came in the room while Shaun waited in the hall with Porter waiting for Ric to come babysit him for us. And then everyone came. Melissa, Brendon, Mikaela, Beth, Aunt Elaine, Uncle Richard, Zach...... Hospice came and said that he was in a coma and that it could be this morning, or it could go on like this for a few days. A few of my siblings got their kids on Skype. We all took turns talking to my Dad. The nurse said that he could hear us, even though he was in a coma. Isaak was having a hard time being there. He said that he wanted to go to Grandpa Ric's with Porter. Before Shaun and Isaak left, we went to my Dad's bedside and Shaun told my Dad that it took him 8 tries, but he finally succeeded in producing a perfect child. Haha! He told him he looked up to him and loved him and that he'd take good care of me. It was one of the sweetest moments.
After Shaun left, I came next to Chris by my Dad. I looked at him. His bi pap was still working, but his chest wasn't moving like it had before. I took my Dad's hand and it was cold. It had been so warm before, almost clammy. I turned to Chris and whispered, "His hand's cold". Chris nodded. Then I said, "His chest isn't going up and down". He nodded. I told my Mom to come over and told her that I thought he was gone. I helped her take his mask off and we held each other. I texted Shaun and told him my Dad was gone. He hurried back and brought some food that Jo had put together for us.
I was beyond exhausted. I'd only eaten crackers in the last 24 hrs, had only slept 2 hrs, and was emotionally drained. Cute Shaun stayed, along with Kim and Rick and my Mom until the Mortuary arrived to take his body. I had to go home. I took Lila with me, left her with my sweet neighbor whose daughter is Lila's best friend, and slept for a few hours. Shaun took Porter to instacare while I slept and got an antibiotic for Porter. That evening I went over to my Mom's house and helped her and Alisa write the obituary. Alisa slept at my Mom's that night and the next morning Chris, Kim, Alisa, my Mom and I all went to the mortuary and arranged everything for the funeral. The next few days were full of cemetery meetings, family, and plans.

This was the sunset they day after my Dad passed. It was so beautiful, I couldn't help feeling it was meant just for me.

A few days after my Dad died, Isaak received his Weblos and Arrow of Light in scouts. He'd been working toward this for the last three years. I'm so proud of that handsome boy.

My Dad died on Saturday Jan 19th. The Funeral was scheduled one week later, on Saturday Jan 26 with the viewing the night before on Friday the 25th. We decided that we needed some time for the siblings and my Mom to be together before the funeral. So on that Thursday night we all met at the Spaghetti Factory at Trolley Square. The entire week was so bittersweet. It was so nice for all of us to be together, but so hard. The morning before our dinner a few of us met at the mortuary to help dress my Dad for the funeral. It was a little therapeutic to do that simple service for him, and have a semi private setting to see him before all the craziness of the funeral.

Here's some of the pictures from our dinner

Here's some of the viewing.

Sunny put together a photo montage video of my Dad. We all contributed some of our favorite photos and it was beautiful

I feel like my Dad gave me a special little gift that night. This picture shows me walking and talking with two of my favorite people in the world. They are the parents of my best friend. She committed suicide when she was 27, and I've been carrying around a lot of unresolved guilt, sadness, and grief about it for several years. I had the best talk that night with her parents and it was one of the most therapeutic moments. He must have known I needed that.

Here we are the morning of the funeral

My BFF Kirsten came and supported me along with all the cute girls in the Primary Presidency with me. Sara Jackman, Susie McAllister, and Emilee Knight. They are my best friends in the ward and have helped my so much over the last few years. I'm so lucky to have such good people in my life!

All 8 of us kids spoke during the funeral

After the dedicatory prayer, Shaun took off his tie and left it on my Dad's casket. My Dad always wore a tie!

All of the grandkids got a rose to put on the casket. They were supposed to think of a good memory before they put it on. I helped Porter with his. Whenever my Mom had a baby, my Dad would bring her a single red rose. This sweet gesture brought it full circle.

When we were going back to the church for the funeral dinner, Lila asked if she could hurry back and get a special rose to save.

After the funeral dinner I asked Shaun if we could go back to the cemetery. My Dad had already been buried.

The week of the funeral was so emotional, but therapeutic being with family. In the week after I was flooded with flowers and well wishes from neighbors and I think it's a little easier getting back it to a routine and having a little bit of normalcy. At one point after the funeral, every surface of my kitchen was covered in flowers.